I might fly

 I was thinking

that I might fly today.

Just to disprove all the things you say...

please be careful with me-

I'm sensitive,

and I'd like to stay that way....

Brief fissures of light leaked through the fog, illuminating my soul momentarily.

This year has been a trying, confusing, stimulating, heartbreaking, shifting, whirlwind.  

People came into and out of my life and I was powerless to stop them from leaving.  I lost who I was along the way and searched for myself in the approval and love of others.  I was stepped on, walked over, briefly loved, pushed down, cast aside, thrown away, built up and torn down.  

I lost sight of the light within myself.  I stumbled and no one was there to catch my fall. I was alone in the dark, drowning.  I thrashed and resisted until the shadows consumed me.  Those days were very dark.  Murky and lonely. I gave up and succumbed to the grey haze of eternal twilight. 

I have fallen into the mist.  The world is overcast and leaden. I have blindly been feeling my way, crawling on bruised knees, hands outstretched, grasping at any speck of light, searching for a way out of here.  

Brief fissures of light leaked through the fog, illuminating my soul momentarily. This light came in the form of fleeting relationships, short-lived and transitory, burning intensely for a moment, then hastily extinguished.  I do not know why the light was snatched from me repeatedly, or why these people didn’t stay- broken promises, painful words & silence.  

There have been moments, when it would have been easy to give in to the pain and loneliness, when I was pushed to the edge…and was tempted. I’d given up, raised my arms towards and the sky and screamed until my voice was hoarse.  

I cannot make anyone love me.  I cannot make anyone care for me.  I cannot force a friendship, when the other person no longer wishes to be a part of it.  All I can do is be myself and power through the pain and loss.  

I am drowning in the memory of you. And your eyes are closed against it.

I felt like I was standing on a great precipice, 

with no one to pull me back, or even notice…

¹ci·pher

noun, often attributive \ˈsī-fər\

Definition of CIPHER

1

a : zero 1a

b : one that has no weight, worth, or influence : nonentity

 

 

 

“Remember, remember, 

this is now, and now, and now. 

Live it, feel it, cling to it. 

I want to become acutely aware 

of all I’ve taken for granted.”

bits of a star gone wrong

We are bits of stellar matter that got cold by accident, bits of a star gone wrong.

 

 

 

rather than

I would rather you tell me you hated me,
you want nothing to do with me because I'm broken,
I am unlovable,
I'm a terrible person,
I am worthless....

than sitting here, dealing with the heartbreak and questions caused by
your silence.

you made me invisible

December 27, 2012

©E. Stocking 2012

Untitled

 

They told her she was broken

so she carefully fused the pieces back together,

but the joints were exposed

and the mask was now weakened .

 

They loved her for her darkness

then rejected her for the shadows

that threatened to consume her,

abandoning her alone to perpetual dusk.

 

They built her up with false approval

then tore her down (piece by piece)

diminishing her to fragments

of who she once was.

 

She opened her heart

and let them into the shadowy cavities

and ashen hollows of her soul

and they mocked her for her sensitivity.

 

But, 

 at least,

        she tried.

 

 

 

Subdued totally; humbled: a broken spirit.

bro·ken  (brkn)

v.

Past participle of break.

adj.

1. Forcibly separated into two or more pieces; fractured: a broken arm; broken glass.

2. Sundered by divorce, separation, or desertion of a parent or parents: children from broken homes; a broken marriage.

3. Having been violated: a broken promise.

4.

a. Incomplete: a broken set of books.

b. Being in a state of disarray; disordered: troops fleeing in broken ranks.

5.

a. Intermittently stopping and starting; discontinuous: a broken cable transmission.

b. Varying abruptly, as in pitch: broken sobs.

c. Spoken with gaps and errors: broken English.

6. Topographically rough; uneven: broken terrain.

7.

a. Subdued totally; humbled: a broken spirit.

b. Weakened and infirm: broken health.

8. Crushed by grief: died of a broken heart.

9. Financially ruined; bankrupt.

10. Not functioning; out of order: a broken washing machine.

 

 

...And there I shut her wild wild eyes

VIII. She took me to her elfin grot,
And there she wept, and sigh’d fill sore,	30
And there I shut her wild wild eyes
With kisses four.
IX. And there she lulled me asleep,
And there I dream’d—Ah! woe betide!
The latest dream I ever dream’d	35
On the cold hill’s side	.

The branches grow out of me, like arms.

A Girl by Ezra Pound

The tree has entered my hands,
The sap has ascended my arms,
The tree has grown in my breast-
Downward,
The branches grow out of me, like arms.

Tree you are,
Moss you are,
You are violets with wind above them.
A child - so high - you are,
And all this is folly to the world.

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back. There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep that have taken hold.”

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

And all I ever learned from love

Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you;
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

"To be not loved is the human condition,"

Later, later, 
grown fully, as they say, 
they gave her a ring, 
and she wore it like a root 
and said to herself, 
"To be not loved is the human condition," 
and lay like a stature in her bed. 

Then once, 
by terrible chance, 
love took her in his big boat 
and she shoveled the ocean 
in a scalding joy. 

Then, 
slowly, 
love seeped away, 
the boat turned into paper 
and she knew her fate, 
at last. 
Turn where you belong, 
into a deaf mute 
that metal house, 
let him drill you into no one. 

after everything i've done i hate myself for what i've become
i tried
i gave up

invisble
overlooked
unloved
pushed aside
despised
tossed away
alone

I am only who you created

where my heart doesn't beat

and within those gaps

those silences

where my heart doesn't beat

hides your name

everything i could never tell you

 

I guess you'll never know. 

but remember (you know well) whom you leave shackled by love.

I said Go, and be happy
but remember (you know
well) whom you leave shackled by love.  

Consciousness of Other

Consciousness of Other

 

Starting a few weeks ago

I see through his eyes-

 

My hands:

chopping vegetables at the kitchen counter,

scattering basil and rosemary into steaming dishes,

such ordinary, mundane things

that connect us.

 

The impression of grey-

like cumulonimbus  clouds before a storm

dark grey with blue hints

fills my consciousness.

 

And I stand

as ephemeral wings beat against my ribcage,

embracing this moment

and accept his offering.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the sad truth

and they look right through you.....

When you bare your soul to someone

when you open your heart and show them

the real you

and they toss you aside

it kills every tiny piece of you

that exists. 

When you stand in front of someone

who you care deeply about

and you are invisible to them

tears and all

it kills every little piece of you

that exists.

When all you need is a kind word

a hug, an acknowledgement 

that you deserve love and their friendship

and they look right through you

it kills every little piece of you

that exists. 

When you love someone

and would do anything 

to fix things between you

and they refuse your

efforts

it kills every little piece of you

that was still left. 

 

neither can the floods drown it

“Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it.”

 

 photo by ThisTooShallPassPhotography 2012

I am Jack's broken heart...

"you were broken before we met"
he
said.




(My glass face spider webs)

The mask is undone-

ribbons of lace unfurling

about my feet.

 I

am

naked in my incompleteness.