This year has been a trying, confusing, stimulating,
heartbreaking, shifting, whirlwind.
People came into and out of my life and I was powerless to
stop them from leaving. I lost who I was
along the way and searched for myself in the approval and love of others. I was stepped on, walked over, briefly loved,
pushed down, cast aside, thrown away, built up and torn down.
I lost sight of the light within myself. I stumbled and no one was there to catch my
fall. I was alone in the dark, drowning.
I thrashed and resisted until the shadows consumed me. Those days were very dark. Murky and lonely. I gave up and succumbed to
the grey haze of eternal twilight.
I have fallen into the mist.
The world is overcast and leaden. I have blindly been feeling my way,
crawling on bruised knees, hands outstretched, grasping at any speck of light,
searching for a way out of here.
Brief fissures of light leaked through the fog, illuminating
my soul momentarily. This light came in the form of fleeting relationships,
short-lived and transitory, burning intensely for a moment, then hastily
extinguished. I do not know why the
light was snatched from me repeatedly, or why these people didn’t stay- broken
promises, painful words & silence.
There have been moments, when it would have been easy to
give in to the pain and loneliness, when I was pushed to the edge…and was tempted.
I’d given up, raised my arms towards and the sky and screamed until my voice
was hoarse.
I cannot make anyone love me. I cannot make anyone care for me. I cannot force a friendship, when the other
person no longer wishes to be a part of it.
All I can do is be myself and power through the pain and loss.
I am drowning in the memory of you. And your eyes are closed against it.
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