Brief fissures of light leaked through the fog, illuminating my soul momentarily.

This year has been a trying, confusing, stimulating, heartbreaking, shifting, whirlwind.  

People came into and out of my life and I was powerless to stop them from leaving.  I lost who I was along the way and searched for myself in the approval and love of others.  I was stepped on, walked over, briefly loved, pushed down, cast aside, thrown away, built up and torn down.  

I lost sight of the light within myself.  I stumbled and no one was there to catch my fall. I was alone in the dark, drowning.  I thrashed and resisted until the shadows consumed me.  Those days were very dark.  Murky and lonely. I gave up and succumbed to the grey haze of eternal twilight. 

I have fallen into the mist.  The world is overcast and leaden. I have blindly been feeling my way, crawling on bruised knees, hands outstretched, grasping at any speck of light, searching for a way out of here.  

Brief fissures of light leaked through the fog, illuminating my soul momentarily. This light came in the form of fleeting relationships, short-lived and transitory, burning intensely for a moment, then hastily extinguished.  I do not know why the light was snatched from me repeatedly, or why these people didn’t stay- broken promises, painful words & silence.  

There have been moments, when it would have been easy to give in to the pain and loneliness, when I was pushed to the edge…and was tempted. I’d given up, raised my arms towards and the sky and screamed until my voice was hoarse.  

I cannot make anyone love me.  I cannot make anyone care for me.  I cannot force a friendship, when the other person no longer wishes to be a part of it.  All I can do is be myself and power through the pain and loss.  

I am drowning in the memory of you. And your eyes are closed against it.